May memories be eternal and pawsteps unending...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

For the second time this year, I cried again.
(The first was because I felt that my family didn’t love nor need me. I got into a great quarrel with my Mummy but we talked things out and I became aware of my family’s—especially my Mummy’s love.)
I was utterly depressed.
I cried in the shower while I was bathing.
I like, bathed for 40 minutes or so, so I guess I cried for THAT long.
My crying didn’t have tears or sound.
My heart was crying, gripped with sorrow.
No sound could come out and so were trapped in my chest till I was suffocated.
For one sickening moment, I thought I would die; the pain in my chest was so much…
Though my mouth was gaped open in a silent scream and my eyes were red-rimmed and puffy because of un-shed tears, I could hear the grieving of my heart.
I’m sick of this life!
I’m sick and tired of my moods being manipulated by my friends around me; of people faking “happy” appearances and actions when their aura and eyes betray the sorrow in their hearts; of me not being able to help; of me blaming myself for everything that happens; of me becoming jealous in an alarming and increasing speed; of adults’ frustratingly irresponsible behavior; of Mediabytes; of stupid projects; of me becoming coarser; of my lack of interest in Manga, Anime, Japan, Writing, Music; of my life; of the lack of time; of loneliness; of my selfishness; of bossy people; of perverted idiots; of not getting to see my Mummy for more than an hour or thirty minutes; of growing up; of teenager life…
Of myself.

I’m also scared…so scared, that my rapidly fading interests will swell and totally engulf me in a dark, cold and empty void…where I wander lost and without a purpose.

These are some of a Pisces which, to my immense astonishment, practically describes my major likes and dislikes:

Likes
Feeling appreciated, feeling loved, freedom, stability, mystical settings/enchantment, dreaming, having their input valued, being unique
Dislikes
Feeling vulnerable, having no goals to move toward, feeling invalidated, being criticized, illiteracy, noisy scenes and displays, having no sense of structure

Right now, I have no goals to move forward to, no dreams, no aspirations…nothing to look forward to and keep me going on cheerfully and enthusiastically (idiotically).
I don’t feel stable with anything at all.
Not my friends, not my work, not my dreams, not my future…not my life.
Today, while coming home on the bus with Zhi Jie, Mira and Yoges, a guy from Choa Chu Kang Sec came over.
As expected, three of em’ (ZJ and Mira and that perverted sicko) were friends and knew each other reasonably well.
Inside, I was already feeling dark, so I couldn’t help thinking that whenever Mira’s around, there’s bound to be people who know her wherever she is and chat with her.
Call me jealous or what?
But seriously, I don’t yearn to be popular or anything.
I just wished that sometimes, …, no one would come and disturb my private little world.
I saw them laughing and smiling, even Zhi Jie.
To my extreme horror, I was angry with that.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Sometimes when I’m in a really, really black mood, I’d become sadistic.
I was like: “Why the hell are you people so happy?”
I hate myself just for thinking that; why am I so horrible?
I deserve to die…
That guy was so…sick.
He was so damn perverted and disgusting and kept talking about stuff corrupted boys did.
His language was really coarse and they were having so much “fun”, I really felt like an extra.
When we reached the Lot 1 Interchange, I wanted to move away. To sit/stand somewhere else and let them chat and immerse themselves in joy without me giving a black face.
I know I was being an asshole by showing a crapping black face.
I couldn’t help it…I no longer had the energy to conceal my emotions anymore.
I was exhausted.
Drained and powerless.
But Yoges didn’t want to move as she didn’t want people to think badly about us so, fine.
But the thing was…
I felt so lonely.
So empty.
I’d rather be a loner than beg for people’s company or to sneak in and become an extra.
No way.
I know Yoges was beside me but we never really had anything to say to each other.
Zhi Jie and I too.
So in a way, I guess it was good that ZJ got to exercise his mouth…

I’m even more afraid of my swiftly changing self.
I’ve become cruder—the ‘shit’ word has become a very frequent visitor in my mouth.
I hate that word.
But I still say it.
What is wrong with me?
I don’t ever want the ‘F’ word to become a common visitor (luckily it isn’t) to my mouth or ears.
I don’t want to listen to any vulgarities or filthy words.
I’m scared…
I have jumbles of personalities that I’m not sure belong to whom.
I’m no longer sure if I am myself.
I don’t ever want to become like the kind of person that thinks vainly of oneself.
I don’t want to boss people around, to scream/shout at them, to love clothing, to love dressing up and stuff.
I don’t want to!
I’m scared…
So scared…

I’ve begun to worry so much for my friends.
For people who hardly know I care.
I’m scared they’ll turn bad.
I wonder about their feelings.
I look into the Mirrors of their Souls and see unclear emotions there…

I don’t think anyone likes me anymore.
I-I…don’t KNOW!!!

Now, I don’t even dare read his blog.
I’m dreadfully terrified of what I’ll read there.
I’d either sink into deeper despair or become even more worried for my friends.
I think, once I get over this depression, I will find the courage and read it.

Somehow, I think that it’s my fault about yesterday.
He seemed so dejected and sad.
I can’t help thinking it’s because of something I said.
Maybe I should shut up forever?
But then again, I know very well I can never manage that.

I want to see my Mummy.
(I swear I will call her Mummy even AfterLife. I will never use ‘Mother’ as to me, it symbolizes the lost of affection.)
I only get to see her so such a little while. ½ an hour or so.
Some people dislike their families.
Well.
I did too.
But God opened my eyes and showed me who really cared and loved me.
Now I know but I can hardly spend time with them and her.

Family is the best Gift God ever gave us.
Most of the times, people don’t cherish it and …
Never mind.I’ll discuss about this some other time.

I just have not enough time!
I can’t see my Mummy anymore.
If anything happened to her…
I’ll never forgive myself.

…sorry, my eyes are clouded up again.

Ah, better.
Anyways, the CCA is taking away most of my time.
I don’t have much time on Earth.
I’m not dying, but I very well may be.
If you don’t understand, it’s alright.
I’m struggling to comprehend it too.
I want to spend my time wisely…

You know, I don’t even have time to write the story I promised for my Daughter anymore.
If I type the script, I can’t spend time with my family or studies.

Studies…
I can’t do well at all.

Music…
My fingers are limited and their “feeling” is already “rusting”.
I’m really tired.
I don’t know anymore.
I just hope tomorrow would be a better day.
And that God would reply me soon.

I know He will.
It’s just a matter of time before He shows me my path.
I’ll follow Him until the End.
And I’ll make people believe…

One day I’ll look back at this post and smile, seeing that my Faith in God is true and was never ever a wasted Belief.

*sighs*

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Yeah, and like the Title states, I'm exhausted...
Both mentally and physically.

That stupid script cost me my time till it was 12 plus...
Guess I shouldn't have distracted myself with MSN then...

And I need a new blogskin. This sucks.

Oh well...

Today, nothing much really happened.
Got drama...we had drama...only like 8 people from 1B showed up for it.
(Ling Huey, Yogeswari, Nabilah, Mira, Charlene, Sherry, Wei Qi and me)

My acting sucked, yeah...

Oh yeah.
I realized today, how much Ive changed about the views on myself.
My daughter still remembers the time whenever I passed by my living room's mirror, I'd scream at my reflection and say something like: "OMG! I LOOK LIKE A FREAKIN' BEAST and blablablablablabla"
I couldn't face myself in the mirror.

Now I'm too tired to say anything else...

Bye~

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

Monday, August 25, 2008

Yesterday, while eating Sakae sushi with my family, I suddenly got a sickening feeling when the thought about the 1A people entered my mind.
My stomach started to churn and I didn't have appetite.
So I borrowed my Mummy's phone and hastily smsed Nichoals and Zhi Jie...telling them to accompany me to the bus stop safely or something.

Zhi Jie's reponse: K la aiyo haha
Nicholas' response: Hey, heck. You do remember that I can't do much to help right? Anyway, sure thing though.

Well.
It suuure made me felt relieved!
^^
Thanks you Lord...

Anyway, heloooooooooo people!
I'm back!

Guess what?
Remember that I stated in my previous post that I would apologise to the person in 1A I glared to?
I kept true to my word.

Today, during drama lesson, 1A (I was like, "oh shit!") came to our class to be extras (I plan to do that the next time too! ^^).
Sooo...Aravin-san got us (I firmly refused Ling Huey do to it and I succeeded! ^^) to do that stupid "punishment" thingy.
This time, we had to bend our left knee and raise our right leg up in a "sitting" position with out hands held straight in front of us.
And he turned off the fans and shut all the windows (expet a small one that Ri Xuan broke)
Personally, I was pretty mad, cuz it was Shaun and Botak (Yu Xuan)s' fault as they didn't bring the Elevator Food book and those who didn't inform the absentees had to stand up.
I was like...hello?
But never mind.
At least I got Ling Huey excused. ^^

I admit it hurt...
My still, I REFUSE to show pain in my face.
My muscles were pretty much tightening up and were dangerously close to cramping up but hey!
I've got to be strong mentally AND physically (for I-have-no-idea-what-for-reason) but it hurt.
I didn't really know what I did to deserve it but I guess I didn't really have a choice.
I didn't want to be classified as a weakling either.

I could see every nerve in Ling Huey's body tensing up with anger and frustration and reluctance as she watched me bear the "punishment".
Her eyes kept saying: "Don't do it! Ignore him!"
She even said that if tomorrow he was going to do this again, she wuld sue him.

The thing was that I couldn't even drink my water after that cuz it stank and tasted of ... yuck.
It's like something that would have come up from a toilet bowl or something.

Anyway, when I reconginsed the person who had hit and mocked my friends and I, I called her over and well...told her I was sorry for glaring because I was really angry at that time and couln't control myeslf.

I meant the 'sorry'.
I really did.

She just nodded and walked away.

Oh wells.

Come to think of it, she has the tom-boyish look which I find rather interesting or attractive.
Dunno...I get the feeling she would be really nice and pretty if she wanted to.
Don't ask me why I think like that.

Right now I have to post a scrpit on the Elevator Food so I think I'll blog later.
Jya~~~

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

Friday, August 22, 2008

*continued from previous post*

Zhi Jie is a rrrrrreally lanky guy with awesome hands and fingers!!!
That was my first impression of him.
But I admit that I'm TOTTALY fasinated with his pianist-like fingers and long limbs...the one's I yearn to have! (hahaha!)
He's so tall too!!!!!!!!

Eh, no.
Wait.
That was my second.

My first was that Zhi Ji was one word: nerd
Idiot me.
But because of his hair, that was my first impression (haha).
Similar to Nicholas' case, my first impression was totally way off.

I don't really know much about Zhi Jie, because unlike Nicholas, I'm not too sure how to connect with him.
One thing for sure: He's a great guy.
Don't ask me why either.
I don't know...
He has this aura (this word...again!) around him.

After what I'd learned about him today, I respect him all the more and I think that he is able to mask a certain degree of sadness and his problems with indifference.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I really am not good with this stuff!
He's incredibly mature for his age and I mostly see him hogged on on his handphone with smses.
I never knew what a significance that was.

After reading his personal thoughts (which broke my heart and made me really want to cry but didn't as I didn't want to be a bother in the bus), there was a cold lump in the pit of my stomach.
My throat contracted really tightly and my heart was compressing with such pressure, I wanted to break down. (These are usually the symptoms I have before I cry)
He's been through so much and he handled them the way more-matured people would.
But he was unsure; very unsure.
I don't blame him.
I would too.

He knew what was right and wrong...
Ah crap, why am I saying these?

He's a sweet guy too.
However, I think he relies alot on other people's options and thoughts, and ranking status too.
Dude! If he likes art, he should pursure art!
Why should he stop just because he thinks he can never draw as well?!
That's just the lies of the Devil!
He should strive for something he really wants and work towards it!
Don't give up art, Zhi Jie!!!

I'm not like Mira.
I can't tell people's Inner Souls.
I really admire Mira for that...
Nicole too, as she has the Gift of Connecting (like my Twins)...

My wish is to know Zhi Jie alot better and be his good friend.
Someone he had confide to and trust, you know?

I always believe that the lack of communication is the main key that people throw away or ignore (what am I talking about?) and that everyone needs a listening ear.

...Zhi Jie's a GREAT guy and I really want to know him better.
If only I knew how...

I love people's smiles and grins.
I don't want them to look sad or weary.
Is that too much to ask?
Is it?!

...

Oh yeah, it is.

*sighs despairingly*

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

I have returned again!!!

You know, I feel really sad and anxious now.
It's kinda like a weird churning in my belly that makes me want to throw up (or fart, okay, shouldn't have said that (LOL) XP).
I'm worried for a friend.
I feel so despondent for him (and yes, he's a guy)...
*shakes head*

Oh well.
I said that I would talk about my two great buddies in the previous post and I'm gonna stick true to my words and tell you what I think about them!

Don't ask me why I put Nicholas name in front of Zhi Jie cuz that's just some wayward thinking of yours; and I had no particular motive for doing so.
'Sides, I know Nicholas better cuz he talks more to me than Zhi Jie does...

N:
Nicholas is my senpai by 4 months and my first impression of him was:
Cold, moody, aloof, want-to-murder, vulgarities-infested kind of guy.
I still remember my reluctance when I talked to him (he was the 1st I discovered who loved Manga in Teck Whye) as I figured out that guys didn't like girls.
When I asked him if he liked Manga, he looked as if he didn't expect anyone to talk to him (his expression was like: "Why the hell are you talking to me?!") and come to think of it, I was kinda like holding my breath (perhaps in fear?)

But when I started knowing him a little more, I could see that he wasn't at all like my first impression.
In fact, I was attracted to him for a reason: He reminded me, too much, of my son, Die.
They had the same aura around them...He seemed a little unloved. Empty and hollow inside. Out-of-place, awkward, sad, lonely and probably most of the characteristics Die has.

To me, he lacked confidence and communicating skills and he didn’t interact much with others.
I still remember the time when he talked to me, he looked at the floor and/or the empty air beside me.
He was really awkward.

But he's improving loads now! ^^
Now, he can talk smoother and give people eye contact when he communicates.
He spends most of his time in the Library and the Club Room, either reading, drawing, chatting with the librarian or surfing the Net.

One thing about him is that he really cares for his friends.
Once, when Zhi Jie lost his Singtel Card (on Friday), all three of us went searching high and low for it.
It was pretty pointless but I know we shouldn't give up hope; so I tried my best to search, looking through every crevice and every blade of grass.
While searching, I was worried about the safely of those two guys.
It was in an open car-park and I was really terrified that they would accidentally get hit or something.
So while praying for the appearance of the Singtel card, I was fervently praying for the safety of those two blockheads.
Thank God.
But in the end, we didn't find it and gave up halfway.
However, Zhi Jie looked so downcast that the air was simply thick with it.
I really wished I could have done something but I didn't know what.
I wanted Zhi Jie to smile and laugh again...
Seeing my friends so sad made me want to really, really cry.
I could feel Nicholas' discomfort as if it were my own and finally, despite all the sadistic comments he had made while searching for the lost card, he dumped his bag and went to search again.
We left for the bus (we lost at least 3), Zhi Jie and I, while Nicholas persevered in the search.
After several minutes, he smsed me and told me that he simply couldn't find it and asked me to cheer ZJ up.
I wanted to...so much.
So bad, that it made my heart hurt.
I hated seeing his dejected face but what could I do?
I didn't even know him well enough.
...

Nicholas has that gangster and really emo look, but once you know him well enough, it's really not how he looks like outside but the inside.
I hate it when people judge who you are just because of how you look on the outside.

There's more about him but I should stop for now...
Now, it's Zhi Jie for the next post!

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

So here I am!
I can't believe I'm starting to blog again...must be a miracle!
But then, it's sad to say that I have to begin with a rather disturbing entry.
Guess what?

I actually managed to make enemies with the ENTIRE 1A Class!!!

And you wanna know why?
All because I couldn't take the way they had NO RESPECT for my class, for me, and most importantly: My FRIENDS.

It's all because we went to drama class; a one which was taken out from our Edusave account so I had to go as I didn't want to waste my parents' money.
But truthfully speaking, it is kinda fun so I shadn't disrespect it or whatsoever.

Mr. Aravin (whoever you spell it) or as I like to call: "Mr Botak Tou", made us half-squat (kinda like a bend) with our backs straight and hands thrust out.
Why?
Hmm...
At first, he said that it was a 'punishment as we were being too noisy' (I was like: "WTH? I didn't say anything for the past hours (thanks to someone...)) and he kept joking as if it wasn't his business.

I didn't do it as my thighs were still suffering from the severe cramps that clutched my muscles a couple of nights ago.
Since they were recovering, why should I make them worse, huh?

So I didn't do it and I refused to talk as I was in a terribly bad mood.
Guess what?
Some she-human from 1A, took a drumstick from a drumset and whacked it on my butt.
The pain was kinda explosive and it really hurt.
I didn't make a sound nor show a reaction...I was curbing my anger inside. (Dude! What right did she have to HIT ME?!, even though the teacher said so).
And you know what that ... that ... girl (unable to use vularities...) did?
She remarked: "Wha! I hit so hard but not pain ah? (or something similar)
And started hitting me with the stick repeatedly---each time adding on more pressure and stregth, and getting nearer to my spine as she wasn't looking where she hit.
And with each stroke, my fury was rising and bubling up, waiting to explode and erupt.
And it did.
It escaped from my eyes and I glared at that girl with so much feriosity, I was so afraid I would lash out and attack her.
I've never felt so much rage before...never in my entire life!
Thankfully, I realzied what I was about to do and hastily blinked and flashed a (pehaps a almost-realistic) forced grin at her.
If I didn't shove that warped reflex action out, I'd probably be in some serious trouble if I attacked her.

I admire Nabilah.
I really do.
She's AWESOME!
Her right leg, after getting rammed by a wooden armchair or something was injured and she was limping.
But she's good, I swear.
The pain might be killing her while she carried out the teacher's "punishment" (so he said, for his personal sick perverted pleasure) but she's able to hide it under a suberb mask of indifference.
Made me feel kinda embarrased though.
She hardly shows her emotions but sometimes I can feel "vibes" from her that helps me pretict her mood.
I want to know her more though.
Still, I thank God for letting me meet such a wonderful friend.
And I thank WARRIORS too! If if wasn't for that book, I'd never have known that Nabilah actually knows my name and that she's such a great person.

Wait wait wait...
Out of point again! >o<>legs were shaking, I'd be pretty proud about them and start coming up with lame jokes or something. (don't ask me why, I just would)

Yoges kept on laughing...
She was in pain as well, but she couldn't stop giggling at even the un-funniest details.
*snorts in amusement*
She's really cute and beautiful and funny. (LOL)
I mean what I say, but sometimes people just don't believe me.
Do I really have a face that looks like a 'liar'?

But anyway, after the whole stupid ordeal where my great buds had to suffer like hell, that Mr Botak Head told us that we had to do that for a practice as sometimes in drama, we would have to freeze suddenly on stage, and that he was training us to do so.

I couldn't help thinking he could have told us earlier instead of saying that it was for his 'personal perverted pleasure' and that 'if he didn't see pain on our faces, he wouldn't let us stop'.
I knew he wasn't that sick in the head but some people like Ling Huey wouldn't get it...especially when she has SUCH a poor impression on Singaporeans. (She says she doesn't see me as a Singaporean and that is suberb! in a way)

While he was explaining all these, I realized that Ling Huey's eyes were getting increasingly red-rimmed by the seconds and sure enough, they became moist.
I was horrified.
Tears?
Why was she crying?

Ling Huey had recently been poisoned by a caterpillar (most probably) and it was really painful.
What Mr Botak Head had ordered us to do had just aggravated her condition and she was crying because of the pain.
The pain was as sharp as knifes stabbing through your arm.
Its sharp.
Its painful.
I felt is as if it were my own (and my left arm was beginning to throb badly).

She was really heated up about Mr Aravin.
She had such hatred in her eyes that I swore, there was a hint of murderous intent.

By the way, Charlene, who was beside me, glanced at Ling Huey and started asking me what was wrong with her.
Ling Huey didn't want others to bother her so I couldn't stop snapping out...saying something about mind your own business or something.
I know that was wrong of me but nowadays, my mood swings became very irritable.
I want to apologise soon.

Anyway, she started crying too a few minutes later because of the pain and some smart-alecks from 1A, came over, saw Nabilah sprawled on the ground; Ling Huey and Charlene in tears, Yoges moaning slightly (and me on the floor looking incredibly worried: we must have looked really pathetic) and mocked us:
"Aiyah...Cong 1B lai de ren dou shi zhe yang de lah."
My patience went out and I instantly spat:
"Mind your bloody words ... (something but no F-word or CB word or B-word, just 'Bloody').

I mean, seriously!
My friends were in pain no thanks to them and there they were, sarcastically mocking us?!
How could I take it?

I was wrong to snap, I know but couldn't they have a little but more compassion in them?
I know they are what people call 'Ah Lians' but even they have feelings!

And that's why when I walked past 1A, I noticed them glaring at me.
Ling Huey was really puzzled and she was wondering who was the person glaring at.
She said they scolded me the 'CCB' words but I didn't hear and I was glad I didn't.
They were more!

All of them positioned themselves at the stairs and God, was I terrified!
I kept trying to mask it with nervous laughter but...
It didn't work and I was really scared.
Thankfully, I have my friends: Ling Huey, Yoges, Nabilah, Stella, Michelle with me.
Jun De nai nai, JJ are two guys that may help me out. (Okay, they would, but they don't understand the situation and kept tellin me 'Never mind. You'll be fine")
And Miss Mindy.
And my two good guy friends: Nicholas and Zhi Jie!!!

And they had a reputation of having friends upper level and fighting.
I'm so scared!
My Mummy had problems like these before and they beat her up.
Luckily, her friends were there to help her.

I would talk about both of my guy friends but now, it's time to make a video, a song and a poem for my Mummy's birthday.
Oh well, see ya soon!!!

AND PLEASE SAVE ME FROM 1A CUZ I CAN'T HELP FEELING AFRAID!!!

Words of Wisdom from REI:
"Time heals all wounds"

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

Thursday, August 28, 2008

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

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Monday, August 25, 2008

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Friday, August 22, 2008

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;