May memories be eternal and pawsteps unending...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

For the second time this year, I cried again.
(The first was because I felt that my family didn’t love nor need me. I got into a great quarrel with my Mummy but we talked things out and I became aware of my family’s—especially my Mummy’s love.)
I was utterly depressed.
I cried in the shower while I was bathing.
I like, bathed for 40 minutes or so, so I guess I cried for THAT long.
My crying didn’t have tears or sound.
My heart was crying, gripped with sorrow.
No sound could come out and so were trapped in my chest till I was suffocated.
For one sickening moment, I thought I would die; the pain in my chest was so much…
Though my mouth was gaped open in a silent scream and my eyes were red-rimmed and puffy because of un-shed tears, I could hear the grieving of my heart.
I’m sick of this life!
I’m sick and tired of my moods being manipulated by my friends around me; of people faking “happy” appearances and actions when their aura and eyes betray the sorrow in their hearts; of me not being able to help; of me blaming myself for everything that happens; of me becoming jealous in an alarming and increasing speed; of adults’ frustratingly irresponsible behavior; of Mediabytes; of stupid projects; of me becoming coarser; of my lack of interest in Manga, Anime, Japan, Writing, Music; of my life; of the lack of time; of loneliness; of my selfishness; of bossy people; of perverted idiots; of not getting to see my Mummy for more than an hour or thirty minutes; of growing up; of teenager life…
Of myself.

I’m also scared…so scared, that my rapidly fading interests will swell and totally engulf me in a dark, cold and empty void…where I wander lost and without a purpose.

These are some of a Pisces which, to my immense astonishment, practically describes my major likes and dislikes:

Likes
Feeling appreciated, feeling loved, freedom, stability, mystical settings/enchantment, dreaming, having their input valued, being unique
Dislikes
Feeling vulnerable, having no goals to move toward, feeling invalidated, being criticized, illiteracy, noisy scenes and displays, having no sense of structure

Right now, I have no goals to move forward to, no dreams, no aspirations…nothing to look forward to and keep me going on cheerfully and enthusiastically (idiotically).
I don’t feel stable with anything at all.
Not my friends, not my work, not my dreams, not my future…not my life.
Today, while coming home on the bus with Zhi Jie, Mira and Yoges, a guy from Choa Chu Kang Sec came over.
As expected, three of em’ (ZJ and Mira and that perverted sicko) were friends and knew each other reasonably well.
Inside, I was already feeling dark, so I couldn’t help thinking that whenever Mira’s around, there’s bound to be people who know her wherever she is and chat with her.
Call me jealous or what?
But seriously, I don’t yearn to be popular or anything.
I just wished that sometimes, …, no one would come and disturb my private little world.
I saw them laughing and smiling, even Zhi Jie.
To my extreme horror, I was angry with that.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Sometimes when I’m in a really, really black mood, I’d become sadistic.
I was like: “Why the hell are you people so happy?”
I hate myself just for thinking that; why am I so horrible?
I deserve to die…
That guy was so…sick.
He was so damn perverted and disgusting and kept talking about stuff corrupted boys did.
His language was really coarse and they were having so much “fun”, I really felt like an extra.
When we reached the Lot 1 Interchange, I wanted to move away. To sit/stand somewhere else and let them chat and immerse themselves in joy without me giving a black face.
I know I was being an asshole by showing a crapping black face.
I couldn’t help it…I no longer had the energy to conceal my emotions anymore.
I was exhausted.
Drained and powerless.
But Yoges didn’t want to move as she didn’t want people to think badly about us so, fine.
But the thing was…
I felt so lonely.
So empty.
I’d rather be a loner than beg for people’s company or to sneak in and become an extra.
No way.
I know Yoges was beside me but we never really had anything to say to each other.
Zhi Jie and I too.
So in a way, I guess it was good that ZJ got to exercise his mouth…

I’m even more afraid of my swiftly changing self.
I’ve become cruder—the ‘shit’ word has become a very frequent visitor in my mouth.
I hate that word.
But I still say it.
What is wrong with me?
I don’t ever want the ‘F’ word to become a common visitor (luckily it isn’t) to my mouth or ears.
I don’t want to listen to any vulgarities or filthy words.
I’m scared…
I have jumbles of personalities that I’m not sure belong to whom.
I’m no longer sure if I am myself.
I don’t ever want to become like the kind of person that thinks vainly of oneself.
I don’t want to boss people around, to scream/shout at them, to love clothing, to love dressing up and stuff.
I don’t want to!
I’m scared…
So scared…

I’ve begun to worry so much for my friends.
For people who hardly know I care.
I’m scared they’ll turn bad.
I wonder about their feelings.
I look into the Mirrors of their Souls and see unclear emotions there…

I don’t think anyone likes me anymore.
I-I…don’t KNOW!!!

Now, I don’t even dare read his blog.
I’m dreadfully terrified of what I’ll read there.
I’d either sink into deeper despair or become even more worried for my friends.
I think, once I get over this depression, I will find the courage and read it.

Somehow, I think that it’s my fault about yesterday.
He seemed so dejected and sad.
I can’t help thinking it’s because of something I said.
Maybe I should shut up forever?
But then again, I know very well I can never manage that.

I want to see my Mummy.
(I swear I will call her Mummy even AfterLife. I will never use ‘Mother’ as to me, it symbolizes the lost of affection.)
I only get to see her so such a little while. ½ an hour or so.
Some people dislike their families.
Well.
I did too.
But God opened my eyes and showed me who really cared and loved me.
Now I know but I can hardly spend time with them and her.

Family is the best Gift God ever gave us.
Most of the times, people don’t cherish it and …
Never mind.I’ll discuss about this some other time.

I just have not enough time!
I can’t see my Mummy anymore.
If anything happened to her…
I’ll never forgive myself.

…sorry, my eyes are clouded up again.

Ah, better.
Anyways, the CCA is taking away most of my time.
I don’t have much time on Earth.
I’m not dying, but I very well may be.
If you don’t understand, it’s alright.
I’m struggling to comprehend it too.
I want to spend my time wisely…

You know, I don’t even have time to write the story I promised for my Daughter anymore.
If I type the script, I can’t spend time with my family or studies.

Studies…
I can’t do well at all.

Music…
My fingers are limited and their “feeling” is already “rusting”.
I’m really tired.
I don’t know anymore.
I just hope tomorrow would be a better day.
And that God would reply me soon.

I know He will.
It’s just a matter of time before He shows me my path.
I’ll follow Him until the End.
And I’ll make people believe…

One day I’ll look back at this post and smile, seeing that my Faith in God is true and was never ever a wasted Belief.

*sighs*

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;

Thursday, August 28, 2008

- Ouran High Host Club Moe Moe Diary ;